Sex lies on tape

Where did it go wrong?: Independent filmmaker Chris Waitt plumbs the depths of desperation to find his ex-girlfriends and ask why they callously dumped him after just a few dates

Interview: Karen Thomas

W HAT would you do if one of your ex-girlfriends looked into a TV camera and said she’d never had an orgasm with you and that sex was not a highlight of the relationship?

Chris Waitt kept filming, edited the sequence along with a string of other equally explicit interviews with his exes, and made a documentary about his life as possibly the worst boyfriend ever. But after being dumped every two months for two years, Waitt wanted to ask every woman he’d dated what was wrong with
him.

It wasn’t easy. One former partner sought legal advice and most of the others rudely refused to talk candidly on camera. But then, as you look at Waitt’s matted hair, unshaven chin, unwashed look and generally grungy living conditions, it’s even more difficult to see how he got these women into bed in the first place.

His gentleness and naivete might be appealing to the fairer sex, but one look at his loo and you understand why his producer screams that he’s “ambling around freaking people out”. Waitt persists in tracking his exes down despite one exclaiming “I want to vomit” down the phone and another hurling expletives at him as he pleaded through her letterbox.

“All the girlfriends in the film are my real ex-girlfriends who, unfortunately for them, went out with me. Some of them are still angry about it,” Waitt confirmed to Soldier.

“I think the one thing they all had in common was that they quite enjoyed seeing me making an idiot of myself or being made an idiot of. That was a kind of revenge for them.

“I probably come over as more of an idiot than I am in everyday life. You tend to pick all the bits where you look and sound the most stupid partly because it is more entertaining. But I’m guilty of the crimes in the film and hopefully I’ve paid my dues.”

However, the only real crime that Waitt must own up to is one that many, male and female, commit. A Complete History of My Sexual Failures is more than a very funny warts-and-all exposure of his emotional and sexual faults. It’s a love story with a sad ending because Waitt took the love of his life for granted until she got fed up and left.

“The truth is a lot of us get dumped and it’s all quite amusing. There’s a lot of humour to be had in it and we tried our best to put the film together in a way that kept it quite light and entertaining,” he explained, adding that the pathos is felt more keenly because of the contrasting comedy.

“Everyone knows that splitting up can be pretty painful and when it really came down to the more serious things in my life, I had to face up to some of them. I just missed the boat on the big relationship and it’s a shocking realisation. I think I only realised that because of the film.”

Amid the chaos of Waitt’s life, it’s a bit of a surprise to learn that his father ended a 15-year Service career as a sergeant in the Royal Army Medical Corps. Yet it was Alex, the 33-year-old’s new woman, who straightened out the independent filmmaker.

“I have improved massively and I’m quite military in my tidiness. I think the men and women from the Army would be totally impressed with my new levels of self-discipline as a result of making the film. I did live somewhat like a pig.

“The one bit of advice I always dole out is please read the instructions on Viagra packets, as that can lead you astray. And also don’t mix beer and Viagra – that’s a bad one,” Waitt added. You need to watch to find out why he resorted to the drug and found himself at the mercy of a dominatrix.

“As for the actual relationship with your partner, am I the man to give out advice? Probably not. All the things that I would normally say, which is don’t be like me – be on time, be tidy, wash occasionally, shave – I’m sure they all do anyway because they’re in the Army.

“Boyfriends have quite liked taking their girlfriends to see the film because they go along and say, ‘you think I’m bad, look at him’ and just by comparison they look quite good.”